JustinVoelker.com

I can’t tell you exactly how you should spend your $9,500 but what I can do is offer a beginners guide to the task.  Think of this as a condensed version of a “Spending $9,500 in 1.6 seconds for Dummies” sort of thing.  Let us begin.

It is rather simple, really.  Begin by sliding your car sideways across the highway at roughly 55mph.  When you are turned completely sideways and can see oncoming traffic through your passenger window, try to find a guard rail out of your peripheral vision.  Finding a guard rail is absolutely imperative as you will use it as a bumper/fender/wheel/headlight smasher.  To really make sure you spend all $9,500 I strongly urge you to not simply glance off this guard rail but rather hit it at such an angle that you can spin approximately 90 degrees to crunch the rear end as well.  And of course, the pièce de résistance.  Make sure that when you hit the guard rail you are still carrying enough speed to not just crunch the sheet metal and bumper cover but to also do all sorts of damage to the internal structure/components of the car.  For added effect feel free to take a couple hand fulls of loose change, some sunglasses, and your lunch and toss them all around the inside of your car.  Even better–take things that were formerly in your back seat (say, some cds) and relocate them to the floor underneath your gas pedal.

Although I do not condone this sort of act, I will suggest a few items you should damage in the process to  make sure you spend all $9,500:

• Front bumper cover
• Lower grille with fog lamps
• Impact bar (to add a splash of irony)
• Headlamp assembly
• Splash shield
• Engine hood
• Right front fender
• Left front fender
• Fender liners
• Upper rails
• Door shell
• Belt and body molding
• Mirror assembly
• Door handle
• Door trim (black cloth, of course)
• Pontiac emblem
• Rear tail lamp assembly
• Rear quarter panel
• More body molding
• Rear bumper cover
• Lower bumper cover
• 17″ Chrome wheel

If you so desire, toss in an air conditioner condenser a few other things to give it your personal touch.

Now on a serious note,  no other cars were involved and nobody else was injured.  This ordeal could have ended very differently and I am thankful that in the end it was only my car that was damaged (well, totaled).  Thank you to the three people that stopped to offer assistance (no thanks to the person that caused this and continued driving).  Another thank you to Pontiac/GM for building a vehicle that can sustain enough damage to be considered totaled yet leave me without so much as a headache.

In closing, it is with sadness in my heart that I say farewell to my beloved G6.  Goodbye my G6, you’ll be missed.  ”She was a good ship.”