JustinVoelker.com

Today, a coworker pointed out that Harbor Freight had bicycle lifts on sale for $6.99 down from $14.99. I have wanted to snag one for a while but was not interested in paying $25 (price at other stores in the past). Imagine my excitement when I saw that such a lift could be had for only $7! Since I was heading there for my purchase, I offered to purchase a few extras for some coworkers–9 bike lifts in total.

Upon arriving at Harbor Freight, I saw the sticker for $14.99. I took one bicycle lift to the register, asked for a price check–not on sale. At the time I couldn’t remember if the website indicated $6.99 or $7.99 so I asked if they could check which it was for me. The cashier has someone check on their “Internet computer” in the back. While he was gone I remembered that I had a fancy new phone with a data plan and I brought up the Harbor Freight website–$6.99. At that same time the clerk checking the price walked back and said “Go ahead and give him the $7.99 price.” Really??? I’m not one to be a prick for $9 but… wait, yes I am. “Excuse me, miss, I can see right here on the website that they are $6.99.” “Oh. I guess I’ll give you that price then.” Damn straight! Did this guy fail to find the item on the website and just give me a discount out of the goodness of his heart or was he knowingly trying to screw me because I couldn’t remember the exact price? Call me a cynic, but I think he was trying to screw the customer on purpose.

Moral of this story–Harbor Freight is full of crooks that will screw you any chance they get. OK, not really, but you should definitely have your facts prepared when doing battle with a business; some business’ employee’s may lie to the customer just to make a few bucks. Was it worth it Mr. Harbor Freight Employee? Calculate the total of lost lifetime purchases from this customer. (Yes, I’m overreacting but it makes for a better blog post.)

There I was, heading down US-10 on my normal half hour drive home with my arm across my stomach. “Well this was not always this squishy” I thought. “Maybe I’ll go home and get back on the bike since I haven’t done that in a while. Nah, it’s a little chilly so I’ll just do it tomorrow.”  It was at that very moment that I knew something had to change.  At that rate I would never make any progress on my squish removal and my dad’s voice kept ringing in the back of the head saying “You can find a way to say yes or a reason to say no.” Each day that I did not want to ride I found a reason to say no–an excuse to not go for my ride. Well, I was tired of it and something had to change.

Starting that night, April 8, 2010, I began biking with a new goal–300 miles of bike riding within 30 days. Yes, it is only 10 miles a day which may not seem very far to some but the idea is to continue for 30 days, no less than 10 miles each day without missing a single day. So, in actuality, I should end up with more than 300 miles after the 30 days.  In fact, after only 4 days of riding I am already on track to hit nearly 400 miles.

In my first few days of riding I have learned the following:

1. My iPod Touch has a “shake to shuffle” feature that does not like potholes.
2. Little kids are incapable of riding a bike in a straight line.
3. Little kids can take up all 10′ of a 10′ wide path.
4. Little kids don’t listen to parents when they are told to “get over to the side.”
5. Men need to walk with their wives.  She has he hands full with the stroller, 2 kids on bikes, and the dog.
6. The wind will change direction precisely when you are changing directions.
7. Little kids with sidewalk chalk are funny (drawing arrows to piles of dog feces and writing “poop”).

What is the point behind this post you ask?  Simple.  If you want something (in my case to be more fit) get off your butt and do something about it.  Nobody is going to look out for you except you and nobody cares as much about your success as you.  Also, stop making excuses for not doing something.  It is really easy to say “I’ll do it tomorrow” but you know that won’t happen so just get out there and do it.  No more excuses–make it happen.

I can’t tell you exactly how you should spend your $9,500 but what I can do is offer a beginners guide to the task.  Think of this as a condensed version of a “Spending $9,500 in 1.6 seconds for Dummies” sort of thing.  Let us begin.

It is rather simple, really.  Begin by sliding your car sideways across the highway at roughly 55mph.  When you are turned completely sideways and can see oncoming traffic through your passenger window, try to find a guard rail out of your peripheral vision.  Finding a guard rail is absolutely imperative as you will use it as a bumper/fender/wheel/headlight smasher.  To really make sure you spend all $9,500 I strongly urge you to not simply glance off this guard rail but rather hit it at such an angle that you can spin approximately 90 degrees to crunch the rear end as well.  And of course, the pièce de résistance.  Make sure that when you hit the guard rail you are still carrying enough speed to not just crunch the sheet metal and bumper cover but to also do all sorts of damage to the internal structure/components of the car.  For added effect feel free to take a couple hand fulls of loose change, some sunglasses, and your lunch and toss them all around the inside of your car.  Even better–take things that were formerly in your back seat (say, some cds) and relocate them to the floor underneath your gas pedal.

Although I do not condone this sort of act, I will suggest a few items you should damage in the process to  make sure you spend all $9,500:

• Front bumper cover
• Lower grille with fog lamps
• Impact bar (to add a splash of irony)
• Headlamp assembly
• Splash shield
• Engine hood
• Right front fender
• Left front fender
• Fender liners
• Upper rails
• Door shell
• Belt and body molding
• Mirror assembly
• Door handle
• Door trim (black cloth, of course)
• Pontiac emblem
• Rear tail lamp assembly
• Rear quarter panel
• More body molding
• Rear bumper cover
• Lower bumper cover
• 17″ Chrome wheel

If you so desire, toss in an air conditioner condenser a few other things to give it your personal touch.

Now on a serious note,  no other cars were involved and nobody else was injured.  This ordeal could have ended very differently and I am thankful that in the end it was only my car that was damaged (well, totaled).  Thank you to the three people that stopped to offer assistance (no thanks to the person that caused this and continued driving).  Another thank you to Pontiac/GM for building a vehicle that can sustain enough damage to be considered totaled yet leave me without so much as a headache.

In closing, it is with sadness in my heart that I say farewell to my beloved G6.  Goodbye my G6, you’ll be missed.  ”She was a good ship.”

Call it a hunch but I have a feeling that this very post that I am writing right now will not be read by anyone. If you actually are reading this please head back to facebook (nodoubt where you found the link to this post) and leave a comment. If end up being wrong about the “nobody” part and I see that someone actually read this post I may just continue posting new entries every now and then. I have a juicy idea for the next post involving my little cousin and the garbage she is currently being taught in middle school so hopefully someone leaves a comment about this post and I can rant about the deceitful education she is getting.

After growing tired of not having anything at JustinVoelker.com I decided to erase everything that was out there and start over.  The question remained, what should be done with the site?  A blog.  It seems that everyone has a blog of useless garbage that nobody else cares to read so why shouldn’t I?  I have nothing planned for this blog but have a few ideas:

• My own Fail Blog – post funny snippets of life that I notice where someone (myself included) failed in a major way.
• Technology – With the recent release of the iPad there needs to be more talk about stupid technology.
• Politics – Someone (often) our government does stupid stuff and maybe I’ll post a few comments about it.
• Randomness – Staying awake until you can see the sunrise leads to strange thoughts, maybe I’ll share them.
• Seriousness – Perhaps I’ll post something serious from time to time, if I’m even still using this blog in a month.

If this blog is still here and I am still posting a month from now I’m sure I’ll think of more things to post.  If you have any ideas as to what I should post please feel free to let me know!

If everything went as planned with this first post there will be a new post on my facebook wall with a link to this full post.  Also, any comments made in Facebook should end up back here and any comments made here should end up in Facebook.  I hope it all works as planned!